G is for Google

The following (all of it) is a ridiculously accurate depiction of the discussions having taken place in my head or my life over the last few days. 

• That voice is SO familiar, but I can’t figure out who it is?
• Where can I rent a carpet shampooer at midnight on a Sunday in Eagle?
• Can I actually make a meal with a tomato, peanut butter, shredded cheese and pickles?
• Is he really saying “scaramouche" and what does that even mean?

Google that shit!

What does it mean if my toddler has fluorescent….  
I don’t even have to finish the question before Google finishes it for me with ….blue poop.  And, that it isn’t weird enough that Google totally knew that's what I was going to ask, apparently it knows because at least a million other people have toddlers with fluorescent blue poop. Which tells me I am not alone, but not much else. And, it turns out, I could have easily said burgundy poop and at least a thousand other people would have already asked that too. Which is just weird. (She didn’t, by the way, have burgundy poop)

I’ve been sick all week and, while I know what it is this time, it's not uncommon for me to turn to the interwebs to tell me there are all sorts of crazy things wrong with me. Based on my "research" over the years, I am not entirely sure how I am still alive, to be honest. In fact, when I googled What does it mean if I have hypothyroidism, a hernia, a brain tumor AND Phantosmia all at the same time?* the response was….. It means you are a miracle. 
Thanks Google.  I’ve often wondered. 
*Don't bother googling. That combo was completely fabricated…..just as the illnesses usually are. But we both know you're going to Google Phantosmia. As you should. 

Last night, my sister was all too excited to show us her new stupid human trick, as she had finally outsmarted the Rubik's Cube. After she finished, I asked if she had googled how to do it. Of course she had, and then she proceeded to tell me it was all just a series of algorithms and if you did this here and that there and licked your lips twice, with one eye closed and blah blah blah…… (I'll be honest, she lost me at "algorithms") The point is, thanks to Google, the Rubik's Cube that has had its hold on her for the better part of 30+  years was now nothing more than a cube of algorithms. Or something like that. And algorithms, it seems, ain't got nothing on my sister!


In my infinite boredom last night, I went ahead and took a survey (which consisted solely of typing my name) to determine my spirit animal. How Chris translates to Bear, I have no idea. But don't think for one minute that I didn't google what it meant to be a bear, just in case it meant I was awesome. What I learned was: In the kingdom of spirit animals, the bear is emblematic of grounding forces and strength. This animal has been worshiped throughout time as a powerful totem, inspiring those who need it the courage to stand up against adversity. As a spirit animal in touch with the earth and the cycles of nature, it is a powerful guide to support physical and emotional healing.
So yes, I am awesome. Go figure.


There is a video (lasting mere seconds) that had me laughing out loud for a good five straight days when I first saw it. And, since that is exactly what I needed last night, I pulled up the Kid in a Minion Costume Who Falls and was immediately reminded that "I'm OK". 
If you haven’t seen it….. you know what to do.  
Google that shit! 

BTDubs:

• Aisha Tyler, from The Talk, is the voice of Lana from Archer. Quite the paradox. And brilliant. 
• You can’t rent a carpet shampooer anywhere at midnight on a Sunday in Eagle. Which then led to googling How long is the average lifespan of a cat?
• While Google had no decent ideas for the combination of the aforementioned ingredients, I now know how to perfect the grilled cheese sandwich. And that peanut butter is a meal in itself. Tell me something I don't know, Google. 
• Yes, that IS what he is saying. And it means, in an abbreviated version, a buffoon or boastful clown. I've gone my whole life thinking it was a nonsense word, but would have been perfectly content to ignorantly sing along for the rest of my life. Because it's Freddie Mercury, people!                                   

If you had to google "Freddie Mercury", you are way younger than anyone I thought would ever be reading this blog. Also, you should probably be kind of mad at your parents. And/or your friends. Somebody. You should be mad at somebody. 

F is for F***ing Forgiveness

Today, I forgive myself for trying too hard and for not trying. For crying incessantly. For eating chips just because I wanted the salsa. For not eating ice cream when I wanted it and for gaining weight anyway. For not being where/who I thought I would be at 40. For making decisions that don't reflect who I am. For recording Vanderpump Rules and for not watching the news. For running slow or, God forbid, walking. For not playing softball in college or having a college fund set aside for my children. For not finishing what I start and not starting what I want to finish. For needing somebody else to validate me. For giving people the wrong impression and then obsessing over making sure they know it's wrong. For being weak or needing help or having a bad day. For not ironing on Sunday or putting away my clothes - ever. For wishing I didn't have my cat. For overcompensating and looking ridiculous. For not teaching or writing or painting or running or knitting or reading or doing sit-ups. For failing at marriage. Twice. For not nurturing my friendships or my relationships with my sisters and brother. For being selfish and self-righteous. For saying I'm grateful but not acting like I am. For knowing nothing about politics and everything about pop culture. For drunk texting to sober people. For playing the martyr or being the victim. For not walking away before I've made a fool of myself. For not forgiving my father sooner or answering more of my mother's texts. For wanting a boob job and a tummy tuck and for being flawed. For not having written a book yet. For settling. For not remembering when my brats got their first tooth or giving them enough attention. For not wearing sunscreen and having wrinkles. For not saving all of my concert tickets. For being really bad at picking guys. For not brushing my teeth before bed or flossing - ever. For latching on to things/people that are bad for me and distancing myself from the things/people that aren't. For hitting send before I spell check. For being lazy and jealous and angry and human. For still having my dead Christmas tree in the backyard. For spending money I don't have on things I don't need. For beating myself up. For taking three years to start writing again. And for knowing that for every one thing I wrote here, there were still ten that I didn't.

Today, I fucking forgive myself…..for all of it. And moving forward, I'll probably just start being perfect and awesome and stuff.